She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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