you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
