I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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