I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
