were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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