it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
