Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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