She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
