Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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