Umm I'm too high to move.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
