I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
