you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
