So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
