people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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