I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
