This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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