Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
