how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
