i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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