Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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