he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
