It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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