Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
