well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
