i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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