I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
