Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize