I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Found your dick twin last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
