i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
