We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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