So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
