Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i love accidental penises.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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