i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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