Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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