I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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