Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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