I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
