i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
