i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I believe in your delicious
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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