allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I died a long time ago.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
