The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My bed smells like the plague
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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