you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
