He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
