i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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