Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize