I am spending my child support on dildos
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
