can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
