In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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