Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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