I'm passing your future prison.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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