You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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