I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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