Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize