Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sober January is a disaster.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize