I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My penis needs a shock collar
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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