don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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