New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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