We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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