i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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