At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize