Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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