fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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