I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
