She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
