there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
