Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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